A Confession
Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 9:10 pm
Wow. There's no easy way to say this. There is no easy way to gain self respect back. There is no easy way to do anything worthwhile, as I have been told recently, and throughout my life.
However, recently I have been trying to turn my life around from the hole that its in. I have been attempting to help others, and realizing that I need to change first- to do that, I need to come clean about this place, my anchor holding me back. This is my own personal demon, haunting me with guilt.
I have come to think of a great many of you as friends- a precious commodity at any time, but especially, perhaps, at this stage of my life.
Time to cut to the chase. I am not 36. I do not own two dogs named Thor and Ajax, nor do I own my own house. I am not a professor. I am not a druid (although I was for a short while). I do, however, drive a truck. A Honda truck. So maybe you can't even call it a truch. But still. I do not drink, nor have I ever been drunk. I have had exactly one sip of beer in my entire life, and maybe three of wine. I have never had a girlfriend, nor have I ever been on a date. I have never had more than three friends at any one time, and two of them were there for me only so that I could help them with schoolwork. I have had perhaps two trustworthy friends in my whole life, and one was doing it out of pity.
I do not say this to garner your pity, however. I believe that by showing you how much of a social outcast I am, or was, I will show and explain how much the friends I have garnered here mean to me. And, because of that, I cannot keep this lie going.
I originally joined Dreamers of Dune at the age of twelve, but didn't post much until I was fourteen. In fact, the first post I remember making was in the "How old are you" thread, in which I actually did say I was fourteen. When I did start posting regularly though, I began to create a persona which I thought could gain everyone's respect. One of the things that helped me along was the comments of different posters, in the threads that asked your favorite thing and various personal preferences. Slowly, a character began to assemble that represented everything that I wanted to be, save one thing. That character wasn't real. And by lying about him being real, I played myself wrong, and did the same to all of you.
Since then I have gotten to know you, but you only have thought you have gotten to know me- the personality and knowledge is generally the same, since I knew I would be too easily caught in something unlike myself- but all the hard facts are lies. They are half truths or manipulations, or outright falsehoods. I have destroyed my own self respect.
Yet, you members I know, you have taught me life lessons without realizing it. In a very real sense, the members of Worm's and of Dreamers raised me since I was fourteen. And, as any child must, I now am going to leave my home, save for occasional visits.
I apologize for my deception, and thank you for your unwitting gift. If you have any questions, please post them. I will answer. If you wish to flame me, I quite deserve it, so go ahead. I'll stand and face what I did. I'm not proud of it, but I did it, and so must answer for it.
I have betrayed you worse than the Naib, been more of a censor than Hyppo in the sense that I kept myself from you, and have been more manipulative and secretive than the HLP.
I'm too tired of this to let it go on, and I cannot stand it longer.
I still love all of you, and these forums. The above is the reason for my inactivity- as guilt mounted, so did my separation. I may stay, but if I do I will create another account more than likely, so as to wash away what I pretended to be.
So, to recap. I'm an 18 year old liar who has decided to make good on his word and come clean. I haven't done anything I've said I had unless it was about me reading or writing something. Then I told the truth. Maybe about some other things as well, such as what I'm passionate about.
And yes, this means the whole Drunk Pardot Chat was staged. Sorry again, but that I think was rather amusing, staged or not.
Well, I feel better. I'll be around.
~Pardot Kynes
However, recently I have been trying to turn my life around from the hole that its in. I have been attempting to help others, and realizing that I need to change first- to do that, I need to come clean about this place, my anchor holding me back. This is my own personal demon, haunting me with guilt.
I have come to think of a great many of you as friends- a precious commodity at any time, but especially, perhaps, at this stage of my life.
Time to cut to the chase. I am not 36. I do not own two dogs named Thor and Ajax, nor do I own my own house. I am not a professor. I am not a druid (although I was for a short while). I do, however, drive a truck. A Honda truck. So maybe you can't even call it a truch. But still. I do not drink, nor have I ever been drunk. I have had exactly one sip of beer in my entire life, and maybe three of wine. I have never had a girlfriend, nor have I ever been on a date. I have never had more than three friends at any one time, and two of them were there for me only so that I could help them with schoolwork. I have had perhaps two trustworthy friends in my whole life, and one was doing it out of pity.
I do not say this to garner your pity, however. I believe that by showing you how much of a social outcast I am, or was, I will show and explain how much the friends I have garnered here mean to me. And, because of that, I cannot keep this lie going.
I originally joined Dreamers of Dune at the age of twelve, but didn't post much until I was fourteen. In fact, the first post I remember making was in the "How old are you" thread, in which I actually did say I was fourteen. When I did start posting regularly though, I began to create a persona which I thought could gain everyone's respect. One of the things that helped me along was the comments of different posters, in the threads that asked your favorite thing and various personal preferences. Slowly, a character began to assemble that represented everything that I wanted to be, save one thing. That character wasn't real. And by lying about him being real, I played myself wrong, and did the same to all of you.
Since then I have gotten to know you, but you only have thought you have gotten to know me- the personality and knowledge is generally the same, since I knew I would be too easily caught in something unlike myself- but all the hard facts are lies. They are half truths or manipulations, or outright falsehoods. I have destroyed my own self respect.
Yet, you members I know, you have taught me life lessons without realizing it. In a very real sense, the members of Worm's and of Dreamers raised me since I was fourteen. And, as any child must, I now am going to leave my home, save for occasional visits.
I apologize for my deception, and thank you for your unwitting gift. If you have any questions, please post them. I will answer. If you wish to flame me, I quite deserve it, so go ahead. I'll stand and face what I did. I'm not proud of it, but I did it, and so must answer for it.
I have betrayed you worse than the Naib, been more of a censor than Hyppo in the sense that I kept myself from you, and have been more manipulative and secretive than the HLP.
I'm too tired of this to let it go on, and I cannot stand it longer.
I still love all of you, and these forums. The above is the reason for my inactivity- as guilt mounted, so did my separation. I may stay, but if I do I will create another account more than likely, so as to wash away what I pretended to be.
So, to recap. I'm an 18 year old liar who has decided to make good on his word and come clean. I haven't done anything I've said I had unless it was about me reading or writing something. Then I told the truth. Maybe about some other things as well, such as what I'm passionate about.
And yes, this means the whole Drunk Pardot Chat was staged. Sorry again, but that I think was rather amusing, staged or not.
Well, I feel better. I'll be around.
~Pardot Kynes